Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
