The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
