is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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