gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
