Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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