I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
