Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
