So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
