yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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