Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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