I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
