you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
