So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
