pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
