I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
there's paper in my vomit.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
