There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
