I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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