the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
