i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
