sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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