I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
