I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
