I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
