I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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