everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Randomize
