We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
