i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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