my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
