I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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