I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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