woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
