He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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