You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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