Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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