oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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