i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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