Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
