I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
