Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
