So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
