eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
