I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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