I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
