How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
