Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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