Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
