she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
