I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
