Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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