i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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