i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
