Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
