the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
