he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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