So drunk its hurt
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
BRING THE BAGELS
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
