can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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