So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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