so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
