I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
