Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
