Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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