I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
