My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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