if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
