Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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