I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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