I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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